ME NO SPG AH!!!

since i was a lil boy, i would watch teary love stories about neverending love on tv and i wished to have the same, wif da actor of course...... as i grew up n discoverd that my preference actually has a word that describes it... gay..... i dream about romantic dates n falling in love........ i was heart broken many times by men who dated me cos i was young but who also denied me the love relationship cos i was young ( and supposedly) not mature enough for love....... i blamed my weakness on those years of conditioning by love movies n songs,....... there was a time i avoided them all(love movies dat is) and it kind of helped bring me back to earth..... i have learnt to date with lower expectations of love........ but still dat lil boy in me was always on the lookout in case love is just round da next corner......nine years ago, i thought i found love n decided to give up all that i had to follow where my heart leads......... it was da greatest love of my life n i was never happier when it came true....... but social conditioning n life(simply trying to live it) n our differences sets us apart........ n i do suspect our love for each other is so strong for each other it actually kinda had a part in the conspiracy tooo...... we loved each other so much there are things that we cannot close an eye n let it pass..... we spent hours explaining about why we had to pursue the subject, n explaining our point of view n each of us while understanding what the other is trying to say , refused to let go of what we r trying to express..... what resulted from all dat love were turned into arguments n nights where both of us lay on the extreme ends of the bed turned away from each other with that cold tense silence between us......finally, we were both exhausted from it all, from the explaining from having to explain , from words........ we stopped understanding each other literally....... at least i did...... i always asked myself how could two guys who love each other n speak relatively good english not understand each other when they speak together??? i asked for less of the discussions cos i wanted to avoid the arguments that it inevitably brings......
eight months ago, we decided both of us could no longer take this tourture any longer n took turns to call it off.......but in the process of doing so, we actually misunderstood each others intention...... turns out that actually we didn't want to call it off but it just sounded to the other like wanted it when he said it......... so it was an accidental break up????? the consequences that follwed was too big a price to pay..........we decided to try to keep the love n be friends but since dat very day in june when it all started, our relationship has been slowly n painfully rotting........be started questioning ourselves n founds some answers n we started losing trust in each other n more misunderstandings came our way...... that old wound that was never healed got inflamed n starts to fester with each passing day .............we tried to give each other a chance to come back together but our eyes refused to see the good (maybe it was a defense mechanism) .........and even if we did see some good, the a small fucked up issue would suddenly manifests itself ten fold n scares dat shit out of us....... we kept our distance......
i dated others, others whom i was sure wouldn't be able to match up to what we had no matter what a horrible monster it turned out to be...... but last night i received an email that declares our relationship has rotted to the lowest , to the core n he questioned all that i have ever done......all that happened cos my ex found out i had created a profile on the internet advertising availability for sex n love while we r speaking about trying to get back together............i mean there r no words here that would make me pass of as an angel in this case cos afterall i was the one who advertise for sex rite??? but i cannot help but wonder, where had all those eight years of love gone to???? i still love him n i m sure he still does but why is the love causing more pain than pleasure???


n referring to anna's bloggie......
u know what's funny???
it was my birthday n i never had a birthday wish from him...... only an email about some administrative stuff.....
now eight months later, all dat was left is a distant memory of our happier times.... n a not so distant memory of the hurt we have caused each other..... actually, too close for comfort.....
we both think that maybe at love between us was a fantasy on our part ..... it never exisited..... we were just too blind to see it......
we hardly speak anymore n if we speak, it would be akward ....... we kept to the safe topics, no one dared to take the first step to break the wall between us..... each trying to protect whatever lil ego or self respect that was salvaged amongst the debris in the aftermath of the storm......
i had been like a drowning person bobbing up n down, struggling to keep my head above the water......... it is also a very tiring n lonely place to be.....
"We’ve become detached, dilapidated, abandoned. Like two old houses which are not any more on the same street, not even in the same country or continent."

I miss those happy times we were together even some of the bad ones, i miss him and I miss us. But what upsets me the most is the fact that i m left with nothing, nothing to justify all those eight years of love, nothing to justify the pain we r both going thru right now......... is dat why love happens? Only for the sake of experience, only for the sake of memories….a bunch of old letters n some old photos?


i wish i could be like dat boy that i was many many years ago, i wish i could run free, i wish i would not lose hope, i wish to believe........